The Age Old Question

If God is good then why does He allow pain and suffering? 

*Spoiler alert I don’t have the “answer” but rather this is simply an invitation to share with you the personal revelation I’ve received through my experience with suffering and the hope that you may glean some truth in return.

“Let’s read the Bible,” my two-year-old tells me, as he cuddles up beside me on the couch. 

He has so much to learn, yet so much to teach me at the same time. 

I look at him in wonder and awe. He has no idea how big of a miracle he is to me. There was a time when he was a distant dream and there seemed to be more doubt than belief in the possibility of him. I remember being only 20-years-old laying in a hospital bed and wondering, “Will I ever have a child someday? Will my body allow it? Will someone love me enough in the first place to start a family with me? How could anyone ever even love me like this?”

I was 80 pounds of flesh and bones and had lost half of my blood. It wasn’t an overnight phenomenon, but rather a slow and painful one. So painful. So slow. 

I felt so lost and alone. Even at the ripe age of twenty I was no stranger to suffering. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when I was 15 and my life thus far had been characterized by high highs and extremely low lows. This particular flare-up had me at my breaking point.

Somehow in this state of loneliness and with all of my fears and “what ifs” in tow, I felt God’s love. It can only be described by the grace of God because I was at the absolute end of myself. 

I was forced to drop out of college, leave my friends and my community on the other side of the country and deal daily with a body that felt like it was failing me. Death seemed closer than ever and I begged God to intervene.

I had been praying for a miracle. You know the kind I’m talking about. The gigantic and instantaneous kind that wows the doctors and leaves me feeling better than I ever have. However, after months of praying and trying what seemed like every option under the sun I was only getting sicker. Looking back, it’s obvious that God had another kind of miracle in mind. The kind where He wills us to hang on a little longer because He is up to something long and drawn out, but absolutely beautiful. 

Less than a year later from that fateful hospital stay, I met my husband Adam. We were married on July 16, 2017 and exactly one year later our son, Shepherd, was born on our first anniversary. No, my miracle didn’t happen instantaneously, but it happened, nonetheless.

Now when I look at Shepherd, I want to impart to him God’s truth and show him that he is living proof of God’s goodness and faithfulness. As his mama, I want to protect him and spare him some of the pain and suffering I’ve experienced, but I know the bittersweet reality there’s a promise for it. 

It’s not the kind of promise that we often paint on the wall or raise as a banner over our life, but it’s a promise none the less. We will face trials of many kinds. James and John are just two of God’s men that tell us so. 

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

As much as it breaks my heart to know that he will meet suffering in its face someday, I pray that he meets Jesus there too. I pray he’s invited into the world of an overcomer. I pray he takes Jesus at His Word and acknowledges that no matter the battle Jesus has overcome it and there is victory in Christ because of it.

For me, it wasn’t a peaceful or quiet encounter with our Savior. At least not initially. It was a series of kicking and screaming fits that begged the question why?!? 

I would be surprised if you hadn’t heard this same question tossed around. Believers and non-believers alike ask it all the time. Why does this feel so bad when God is supposed to be so good? Why do children die and marriages dissolve? Why? 

I’m sorry to say I don’t have the answer, but I believe my story and probably yours too, proves that suffering serves a purpose. 

Romans 8:28 says it better, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So obviously suffering serves a purpose, but the process to unearth it isn’t always pleasant. There are times in my life when I shooed God away and others when I shook my fist at Him and yelled, “I’m not this strong God. What were you thinking!?” It was there that he showed me that my strength was never the point. His strength was and still is. 

I like to think in that moment He looked at me tenderly and sighed, “finally.” I knew based on Scripture and growing up surrounded by church people that God was supposed to be my strength, but it was a different experience entirely when I recognized Him as my strength. 

I think to myself, “Hi, Jesus. It’s nice to meet you. I didn’t set out to meet you in this place of pain and suffering. I would have preferred a place of butterflies and roses, but I’m not sure I would have encountered you and all of your glory the same way if the situation had been different.” 

The truth is God never made me strong enough. He didn’t look at my strength and smile. Rather He saw my weakness and offered me His hand to hold. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Now I see the quickest way out of suffering is surrender. Yet here I am still facing battles and forgetting to do just that. I hate to admit it but in all of my years of highs and lows, I still haven’t mastered this. 

So I pray, “Lord help me to be quicker to lay down my life.”

A mentor recently shared that each time we go through suffering, we may be tempted to become frustrated that we are still dealing with similar struggles, but she said we are growing our faith muscle. The thing we all know about muscles is they don’t grow without sweat and hard work. 

It doesn’t always get easier, but we always walk away stronger. Our faith muscle grows, and we learn to rely on God more and to do so more quickly than the time before. 

As much as I hate the thought of suffering, I’ve come to see it for what it is underneath the surface. I believe it’s the closest chance to meet Jesus face to face that we will get on this side of heaven. When I think about the peak of my pain and long bouts of suffering, I’m so often confronted with my humanity. I think how quickly I would opt out and choose a different path if the opportunity presented itself and yet Jesus had that very choice, and He chose to remain on the cross and faced the worst kind of suffering because of His outstanding love for us.

I don’t like suffering or wish it on anyone, but I believe it paints the most beautiful picture of our God. When I think about Jesus on the cross it wrecks me in the most beautiful way. 

Hebrews 12:2-3 says, “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:2-3

As I look back on my life, I can’t strip away the painful parts and I no longer wish that I was spared of the suffering because I wouldn’t be me without it and I wouldn’t know God the way I do today. 

Hindsight is of course 20/20, but I believe it more than that. I believe it’s faith building to look back and see the trail of God’s faithfulness in our lives. When I was sick and stuck in the hospital nearly convinced that I was a lost cause and writing myself off, God saw the bigger picture. He knew that as painful as it was to say goodbye to my life in California that my husband and my future was waiting for me in Michigan. He knew that a few years later I would be laying in a different hospital bed for a very different reason when I looked into my newborn baby boy’s eyes and praised Jesus for His goodness. Finally, after seeing Shepherd I can no longer think that my body is a failure because it has grown and sustained life and that is nothing short of a miracle. Sometimes the miracle just takes a little time to grow. 

As the author and perfecter of our faith, God knows what we need. He knows each of our thresholds and strongholds and He crafts a story that fits us best. Thank you for letting me share a part of mine with you.