When I reflect on who it is you are, I tend to see my past mistakes,
I think of bruises, I picture scars, I feel somewhat incomplete.
I realize- my moments of self-doubting, and believing I’m the reason for existence; this idea of God… is just far-fetched- that it’s in this lack of faith you chose to meet me.
In the burden of my self-destructive outlets, you stayed near, you made a spot within the gaping hole of this thing we call a heart, which tends to do just about everything except lend glory unto you; as broken as it is you still made room.
You formed its shape; you built its walls, put all necessary framework in its proper place, and at its center put a chair in which you sat in wait,
it took forever and half, until that moment when you drew the blinds over my selfish visions, and let my dreams of flashing lights grow slightly dim,
and when the noise had finally settled that’s when I saw you sitting in that chair, patiently waiting where you had for twenty years, and I asked you if the voice that I heard calling was from you, and in a tone I can’t forget, you said, “it’s always been”.
Faithfulness. The problem is my eyes are too on me, constantly find myself looking down, staring towards the ground as if I’ll find the answers.
As if I’ll have success by paving paths myself and doing life my way, and thinking I’ll do better if I let you stay in your lane.
When I think back, on who I was throughout that time, I imagine God with a big smile and hopefully a laugh- knowing that, in three years’ time, he would claim me as a son, that he would soon call me his own, that despite my nervous running, and my comfort in the “world” he would show me that my acts of rebellion were just attempts at finding space inside his home.
When I reflect on who it is you are, I see that you’re a God of grace, I think of love, I picture faith, I realize that you’re not obsessed with my mistakes, and in my moments of self-doubting, and believing I’m the reason for existence, this idea of God is full-fletched truth- that by his faithfulness he’ll never leave me.
You offer freedom from all self-destructive habits, you’re not as far away as we all think, that within the gaping hole of this thing we call a soul- you built a God-shaped space. And it must be tough to watch us stuff it full of crap we think will better fill your place, but from there you take what’s missing and you show us that you cannot be replaced.
So, I put a chair inside your home and take a seat, and in no time whatsoever you come and greet me,
you show me that my dreams of flashing lights are ultimately just attempts at reaching out and searching for a greater hope that I’d find you, and as noisy as I try to make it, you’ve known exactly when to turn it down and make me calmly sit; to pray for patience and know that with you I’ll journey on for twenty years, that faithfulness can go both ways, and you’ll extend the love that’s needed when I slip, it’s then you asked me, “do you know that I won’t waver in the affection that I have for you?” And in a tone, I hoped was fitting I said, “I’m trying to.”
Faithfulness. Now my eyes look up to you. Lifted from the ground, I switch my gaze, I draw nearer to your presence, and I leave behind the fears I’m more used to. I find success by letting go, and redirecting all my paths, I’m making strides in new directions, finding peace in doing life your way, I’m learning answers to big questions, why is pain so hard to face?
When I look forward towards the person you’re now shaping me to be, I hear your laughter from a distance, so I smile as I picture a gigantic God-sized family tree, and how much bigger it might grow in three years’ time. You call us children, and you claim us as your own, that despite our constant turning, you’re steadfast in your commitment, showing us this world is not our home.
When I reflect on who it is I want to be, I see that you’re the potter, I’m the clay. That your goodness towards your people is not in vain, despite our need for constant molding, you’re the one who does not change. It’s in this I find my rest.
A life made whole… by faithfulness.